For this week’s blog entry, we turn the spotlight over to IDLM graduate Lee Malecki. She shares in her own words about the journey that led her to end of life work and to IDLM. We are so proud to have Lee as a member of our community and feel honored to be able to present her story here.
What first brought you to end of life work?
I noticed a change in Mom and after a discussion and an exam with her doctor she was diagnosed with dementia. She needed help to stay in her apartment of 30 years. I took time off from work, hired live-in aides and went to the Alzheimer’s NYC Chapter for help. I joined a free support group, went to seminars and gathered a myriad of information to learn how best to help my mother, all in a short span of time. That was the beginning of my journey into the role of caregiver, daughter, advocate, student and teacher.
I was fairly open about what was going on with Mom and learned that many of the people I knew and worked with were facing similar situations. I listened to their stories. I gave them the 800 number and directed them to the NYC chapter. I provided information about free educational talks and programs the chapter offered, also free of charge. I gave several presentations at my church about dealing with some of the common things that come up with dementia. When the National Alzheimer’s Association sent representatives from the state chapters to lobby their elected representatives in Washington DC, I gave my elevator pitch story about my experiences with my mother to my congressman, barely holding back tears in my eyes. I eventually began doing district visits to remind him of the bills working their way through congress and his commitment to me to support those bills. I did a segment on ABC World News Tonight about tests that were being developed to predict if someone would likely develop dementia. I told my story to a group of scientists from a worldwide pharmaceutical company so they would better understand how important the work they were doing would be to people like me, just trying to make sense of everyday decisions for our family members.
After my mother died, I didn’t really know what to do with all the experiences I’d had so I just kept telling my story, offering whatever help I could to anyone that needed it. I suppose that was the catalyst for coming into End of Life work. I didn’t want any person to go through what I went through without help from someone to provide guidance, knowledge, resources and a shoulder to lean on.
How did you find IDLM? What made you decide that IDLM was the right place for you?
I found IDLM by chance after a short course about death offered by Atlas Obscura. There was a woman who was a death doula in the class. I had never heard of such a person or profession, but the course touched on death doulas and this woman was very generous in sharing her experiences.
I saw the first TED Talk about death doulas in that class. It piqued my interest as a way to help people navigate something that they had may not experienced directly. Fast forward through the pandemic and I found myself thinking about the death doula from that class. I started browsing the internet and stumbled upon IDLM. When I looked at the course offerings the EOL doula class was starting that evening. I called Anna about 2 hours before it was starting and asked if I could join the class. I didn’t really know what I was getting into, but I knew I needed that class at that time. I found myself suddenly in a class with a bunch of strangers, telling my story yet again, and somehow I felt right at home. I never looked back.
Please talk about something you have learned through IDLM or through end of life work that has meaning for you.
The thing that resonates with me the most is that we meet people where they are. I strive to be non-judgemental and accepting of all people, cultures, orientations, politics, religions, environments and traditions. I often remind myself that I cannot possibly know what another person may be going through emotionally, spiritually or physically. I am one person out of millions of people all going through something. I appreciate that IDLM stresses this tolerance, non-judgement and inclusivity of all.
I have met a few other EOL doulas and when I ask about the training they have received it in no way compares to the training IDLM provides. This person received about 40 hours of training. For me, the depth of knowledge, the hours of training, the support and community is something I feel is unique to IDLM. All of the courses support each other and provide a tremendous amount of material about all aspects of the end of life journey. This makes it seamless in being able to provide any combination of services that one may want to offer to a client. If I’m not comfortable in grief support I can confidently direct someone to one of our graduates who is. Being able to find the right mix of skill sets and people is invaluable for this type of work and IDLM is a great source for that.
No matter where you are in your end of life work journey, there will always be those who are still behind you. What advice would you give to them as they move forward on this chosen path?
To those that are just beginning their journey into this service and are wondering if this is something you want to do, listen to your heart. List out what is important to you and look deeply into whatever it is you feel called to do. IDLM may not be the right place for you for End of Life work, but maybe being a grief doula will spark something inside you. Maybe you feel like you are better suited for Advance Care Planning if you are really great at organization. Or you may just have a feeling that somewhere in this community you will find your people. When you do, they will be there to welcome you in and lift you up to whatever it is you are called to do. That is the beauty and the reason why IDLM is, in my view, a family that will stand by you at every point in your journey. We’ve all had doubts and fears but those are the things that bring us together. Look at the courses and you will likely find something that piques your interest. We are all here, waiting to welcome you and learn with you.
